Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.