Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Muppet Screams

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*