Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Yup.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house