Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Ah yes. The three genders

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.