Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You Might Also Like
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
😜
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan