Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

🥲

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Guys, I found it.

Love is always patient and kind.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.