Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…