Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

if you relate to me, get some help

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

5 ways to appear taller

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”