WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Me: do that but the opposite
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood
2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures
3. Get all the cats