@LeBearGirdle

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

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@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@junejuly12

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

@julcasagrande

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@BobTheSuit

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

@CoffeeNCrusts

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

@lazerdoov

1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats