Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
2022: I can fix it
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears