Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.