Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.