Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time