Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

🤣

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY