Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.