Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.