Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry