Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

if a cop pulls u over play dead

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Toxic snake

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger