Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

reviewed some movies recently

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”