Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?