Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Day 2 of my diet
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Dammit Chief not again
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.