If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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ageism fascinates me because it’s the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.