@karanbirtinna

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

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@AristotlesNZ

If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

@robwhisman

ageism fascinates me because it’s the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic

@Alvildalikely

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

@ANNIEwayyyy

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

@SteveSuckington

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@_Water_Baby

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.