Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.


Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.


ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written


Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline


My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!


Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.