me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.