Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.