me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here