Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!