Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??