me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.