Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Spotted in New Orleans.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I just want an internship man
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Somedays I just love AI so much
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.