Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.