Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
what’s in a name?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
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