Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.