Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Who wants to be my Valentine?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t