Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with