Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days