Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Who says great literature is dead?

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT