Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.