Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

I’d love this…lol

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd