Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*