Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.