Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
🤣😂🤣😂
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.