Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I was bored.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.