Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
😅😅😅
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who see nothing wrong with a bite or three of chocolate cake first thing in the morning.