Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.