Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?