@FKACornshucks

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

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@Tmoney68

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

@mom_ontherocks

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

@AdriannaLaCervx

This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.

@itchyturtle

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

@jonnysun

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@richbrian

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

@Kimpulses

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.