Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

You Might Also Like



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.


Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.


This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.


I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.


HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century


If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.


to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked


Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.