GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.