Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Spa day..😅

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Be vigilant

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???