Planet of the Apps.
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.