Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I had to Stop for this
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*