Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

me as a parent

multitasking lunch

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time