Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
This raises questions
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Isn’t
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.