Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
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The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Awwwww shit.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.