Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

😆

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.