me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You Might Also Like
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Winnipeg!!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Yup
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”