me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target