Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back