me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.