Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Emma is smarter than all of us.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.