ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle