Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

*updates tinder bio*

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.