Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

bought wrong eggs

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*