Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

Very good news from my accountant

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.