Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Growing up was a huge mistake

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.