Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Bear knowledge

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*