me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
All generalizations are stupid.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).