Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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live, laugh, laundry.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma