Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.