Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Sing it!
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
this is literally a CIA plant
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok