@karanbirtinna

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

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@dafloydsta

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

@chrisdowning

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

@iscoff

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

@RodLacroix

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

@DaddyJew

When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?

@roxiqt

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

@3sunzzz

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@LostFelicia

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.