Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…![]()
You Might Also Like
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Feel. He’s so soft.
![]()
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.