Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

😸

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.