Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Solving a traffic jam

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

the simulation is moving too fast

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

#SuperBowl

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.