Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right