me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You Might Also Like
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
(Gaming support cat.)
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke