Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

early stone age tool

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Fries, not lies.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.