Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

😂😭

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons