Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Stop sending me this shit.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right