me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
want me to check your oil?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Breaking news:
Me irl
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.