@DadZZZasleep

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

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@david8hughes

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

@realHamOnWry

Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.

@RdrJay47

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

@Avepates

Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.

@mattkoff

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

@graceful_asfuck

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@WheelTod

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

@popcorn_dog

[Dark room]

**taco crunch**

Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium

**slow taco crunch**