Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You Might Also Like
Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
me: what if music w
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Family: come play dodgeball
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**