Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”