Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.